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im in fucking love with the city i made up in my head that i want to live in and its PROBABLY not new york and its DEFINITELY not chicago but it IS This: a lot of weed. a million little brats to get into trouble with, a small white blue trimmed house in the middle of a largely populated section of a city that is similar to carmel CA, mindecino or nevada city. Maybe its san fransisco. the house is 1 story, and all the buildings around it are at least two if not 15, and there are green vines coming off of it in sparatic places. I am inside, with my cats, my books, my career, and my children. 1 boy and 1 girl. they watch movies like 'the mascot,' that old stop animation with the devils and the oranges, and don't even know the word disney, pop tart, mcdonalds or... ok maybe they will. but they'll also know its bad. i'll tell them that when we EAT it together. Jimmy will be there teaching them ti quan do and jew jits sue. and jimmy's kids will come visit maybe.

pie christ

its the second day of school and you're spacing really hard
are you even gunna make it?



spend more time with my fish reading cookbooks if i put if it the kitchen when i get it

stormy just like jelly rolls


pie christ
what if pie christ was real

carls face is a screaming white tiger

he was leaving
when he came around the door to peak at me
i hid
he came forward
i went forward and he retreated around the door
i looked over the door
saw him
making the same face
he came forward quickly and i went back a little and his face came close and in my mind i saw a screaming white tiger, a species i'd never seen before-a fishlike muscly leafy tentacle mouth things all around its face opening like a flower, different little black marks on some of them in different places, yellow eyes, pink gums and big long sharp teeth, tongue, frizzled nose, screaming looking at me in place of carls face
and then he was carl again and my head was on his shoulder lips placed to his neck
i made a quick sob noise in fear but he didn't notice what it was i think i hope, i reminded myself to smile and not to fear anything

he stepped away and i asked 'are you a lizard?' and he said 'ha, nooo' and looked down. 'I think you're a lizard' i said and he replied looking up at me 'well i do think i have some of the blood' and i said 'i think you do to, because, i see things, and, your face was weird'

as he stepped down the steps sortof falling in different directions because we were both stoned he looked up at me kindof laughing, 'that's cool,' he shook his finger looked away a bit and back 'that you said that about me.' he smiled and walked down the stairs falling in different directions

just walking outside is an opportunity to socialize and meet new people, don’t sell yourself short spend more time with my fish reading cookbooks if i put if it the kitchen when i get it

I know my dad.

I know my daddy's dreamt about being in a caravan of gypsies. i know my dad has dreamed of traveling with the circus. i know my daddy's dreamt of russian trailers with goats and tiny men. I know my daddy and i know the way his soul bends

I’m Jason.

The woods surround you. Have you been here before? The sun has gone down. Only a small bit of light comes around the corners of the earth to see you, illuminating only enough to make out the shape of the place you stand in. there are many trees. Lots of yellow brush on the ground. A few very large rocks. Can you hear water? I hear water. Lets go find it.
Follow the sound. Your feet lift and walk. You find that your legs are sore. How long must you have been standing in that spot?
How did you get here?

Do you remember how you came here?
No.
Who are you?
I’m Jason.
Ok, we know your name.

…
you walk outside of the field you stood within, into the trees that surround you. They have grown taller as you’ve gone nearer to them. Are there birds up there? They’re so quiet. They must be sitting in their nests with their babies right now, dark, big fat birds, beginning to sleep away the night
into the trees, below their cover. Follow your path
you’re following your instincts
what told you to do this? Nothing did, you just started following your feelings in a direction
as if you know you were meant to from the beginning

water becomes louder

I never had a pet dinosaur when I was a kid.

I never had a pet dinosaur when I was a kid. I never had a favorite bird out my window, a certain dog I liked to watch cross the park, a favorite doll, a funny uncle I liked the best, a secret friend, invisible friend..
I had me. I had multiple me’s. there is one inside me that’s evil. And there is me. I am my body. The evil part of me is inside. Its secret. Im not sposed to tell people about her. She’s bad. She’s mean. She doesn’t like anyone but herself. She makes me do mean things and talks me into believing they are right.
I don’t know what right is ever. I’m confused about what right could be. I hope that I am doing it always, but do I really? I still haven’t sent jimmy that letter. I still haven’t written a book. I still haven’t
I am not bad
Do not guilt yourself
Do not guilt yourself
Go to sleep

Donald's shoelaces

Donald was a strange man. He never tied his shoes. If someone were to approach him and comment, in whatever fashion, weather ‘hey. Your shoes untied !’ or ‘ sir, not to be unkind but I do believe your shoe lace is abroad’ he would freeze up. Probably stop whatever it was he was doing and veeery slooowly turn his head the commentator’s way. His eyes would be wide and discomforting, and he would most likely, after holding eye contact for a good uncomfortable hot second, find a way to scurry to safety.
He has in fact tripped on his shoelaces while escaping scenarios like this.

Can you imagine why it is Donald is so incapable of 1. Tying his shoes and 2. Being reminded that he should?

i feel swells when i hold the crystals to my chest
one is for my lover and the other is misunderstood
the one i wear around my neck has replaced it's livelihood
but it is still beautiful

bright orange and blurry thick white. to much

carl's is clear white and purple at the tip

UPDATE august 17th 2010:
i threw the crystal necklace off a cliff into the woods by the ocean last night after having sex with a boy i met. -on the cliff. i felt for some reason that i shouldn't wear it any longer. it had been giving me bad energy i think. after smoking weed, i'd remove it and instantly feel a weight lifted from my chest- more than just the weight of the rock though, a magnetic sort of weight. I could think more clearly and without fear when not wearing the crystal.
my back was cut up whilst fucking on the cliff. its sore today. i like it. my little cousin had to clean the cuts with a washcloth and rubbing alcohol. it stung badly and i chased her with each breast in a hand, clamping them together like a mouth. brilliant.

lou

wash up on the ocean side in the watermelon plants and where the pretty rabbits died.
walk up to the vineyard and the dancing square of dew and we can visit all the people that used to be friends with you.
bring me uncle's baby with the bacon and a spoon so we can eat grand-ida's pudding with some little laughter to.
all the trailers have new rot and rusted little skirts.
my mother wasn't here last year they said she left with Lou.

I'm in the swamp next to trailers at a round cheap tall tunnel half theater with white christmas lights and little mole puppets singing and one is sitting on a log and the others are asking questions and I'm in love with this boy who happens to call me sue and when I'm with him all I can think about is you